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I am married to an abusive man. I am interested in finding out how many abusers actually are diagnosed with narcissism or sociopathy. I am unclear to whether my husband has any “disorder” and will probably remain in the dark on this seeing that I have no inclination to study psychology and he has no inclination to seek therapy.

Not that it matters if someone else diagnoses him – he is abusive, and that is what I need to deal with.

Since recognizing (or admitting) the abuse almost a year ago, I’ve actively sought to express my story in my blog at http://www.verbalabusejournals.com/verbal-abuse-marriage/

IF the abuser has a psychiatric disorder, then no amount of “education” is going to change him (or her). However, IF the abuser is abusive solely due to upbringing or a “horrible education” on how to treat oneself and those (s)he loves, then some sort of awareness education may be the key to ending abuse.
Again, I am wondering if most abusers are abusive by nature or by nurture (or both).

Domestic violence has been acknowledged worldwide as a violation of the basic human rights. Equally increasingly, research studies highlight the serious health burdens, intergenerational effects, and demographic consequences of domestic violence. In Kenya, violence against women is on an upward spiral with reports indicating that majority perpetrators are men. The Kenya Health and Demographic Health Survey 2003 indicates that half of women have experienced violence since they were 15 and one in four reported experiencing violence in the 12 months preceding the survey.

Not only does domestic violence occur within the socio economic realm, but also in the cultural background, and in many societies in Kenya, women are socialized to accept, tolerate, and even rationalize domestic violence and remain silent about such experiences. Victims of domestic violence are often abused inside what should be the most secure places-homes.

Consequently it may be time to rethink through methods in which the problem of gender-based violence is being tackled. More effort needs to be put in place to tackle the root causes of family violence i.e. cultural, social and economic factors that lead to violence rather than addressing the symptoms. Campaigns for the prevention of gender based violence at the moment are mainly targeted towards women; more effort should be put in targeting men, who are often the progenitors of violence, both in creating awareness and involving them in initiatives that deal with Gender based Violations

There are a number of initiates which seek to involve men as partners in redressing violence in domestic relationships. For example, FIDA Kenya is currently using the Community Watch Group model in Western, Nyanza and Coast Provinces. Through a rights and community based approach, men are equipped with Para legal skills which enable them to raise awareness and help women to access information and services provided by government and NGOs. Monitoring and documentation of cases is done and where necessary such cases are referred to specialized agencies. The programme which began in 2007 has so far involved 100 men.

Les violences faites aux femmes constituent un phénomène récurrent dans le Monde. Au Cameroun, l’exploitation des résultats disponibles des études menées sur la question (1997, 1999, 2008) dans les Services du Ministère de la Promotion de la Femme et de la Famille et la GTZ, révèle que les violences faites aux femmes ont des causes diverses et des conséquences négatives sur les victimes, les auteurs, le développement de la famille et même sur la société.

La Déclaration sur l’élimination de la violence à l’égard des femmes, Résolution 48/104 du 20 décembre 1993, en son article 1er, désigne l’expression « violence à l’égard des femmes » comme tous actes de violence dirigés contre le sexe féminin et causant ou pouvant causer aux femmes un préjudice ou des souffrances physiques, sexuelles ou psychologiques y compris la menace de tels actes, la contrainte ou la privation arbitraire de liberté, que ce soit dans la vie publique ou dans la vie privée.

Les violences faites aux femmes et aux filles, augmentent leur vulnérabilité aux VIH. Ces violences puisent généralement leur source dans l’inégalité de pouvoir entre les hommes et les femmes, ce qui pérennise la discrimination à l’égard des femmes. Parmi ces violences, figurent en bonne place, le viol, les mariages précoces forcés, ce qui aggravent les risques de mauvaise santé chez les filles et les femmes y compris l’exposition au VIH/SIDA.

L’influence des médias qui projettent des films ayant trait aux abus sexuels de toutes sortes, pas du tout répréhensibles dans notre contexte.

Un homme ou une femme violent s’assimile à un malade qui s’ignore peut être, et qui a besoin d’un encadrement et d’un suivi adéquats

La démission des parents qui ne jouent plus convenablement leurs rôles de père, de mère, de parent dans l’éducation et l’encadrement des enfants. Ceux-ci sont souvent confiés aux personnels de maison dont l’éducation, la formation et la personnalité ne sont pas toujours de qualité.

Les facteurs économiques et socioculturels à savoir : les coutumes et pratiques discriminatoires sont vivaces dans certaines de nos régions. Les populations s’en inspirent pour justifier tel ou tel acte. Exemple ; la femme est considérée comme un objet. C’est pourquoi, le viol, l’inceste ou le harcèlement sexuel sur elle ou sur la fille est toléré. Or, il est admis que toute coutume, toute culture, contraire à la moralité et aux bonnes mœurs sont à abolir.

Les abus sexuel. Qui sont, l’ensemble d’actes sexuels commis sur la femme ou sur la fille et qui portent atteinte à son intégrité physique ou morale. Ces actes peuvent être : le viol, l’inceste, la pédophilie, le harcèlement, la maltraitance.

Les abus sexuels font partie intégrante des violences sexuelles subies par les femmes et les jeunes filles en famille, en groupe, en communauté…

Un accent particulier devra être porté sur les auteurs, les conséquences, les causes des violences à l’égard des femmes et des filles, et les mesures de protection contre ceux-ci.

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Where men are involved, like the initiative in Kenya, how much emphasis is placed on early education and awareness for boys? Are the causes of domestic violence rooted in childhood? How do men turn violent?

100 men is a good number (Kenya comment). How successful has it been and is the programme earmarked to be replicated elsewhere?

How about other countries? Are there initiatives involving men and boys in other countries? What can be done to attract men to this kind of awareness and work?

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actually that is very true in many families especially in my country RWANDA. but it is very posible to stop it though it needs every ones efforts by advocating for rights of domestic workers especially girls and women

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I left my abusive husband Jan. 8, 2009 after being together for almost 11 years. I endured every kind of abuse there is: psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual, economic and physical. We have 4 children together and they were a major reason for me staying for so long. I tried to keep the family together and I was a stay at home mom. My children and I were immediately placed in a confidential DV shelter where we stayed for 2 months. We then went to stay with my sister for 4 months, my mom for 2 weeks, and we’ve been with a friend living in her basement since August.

In response to Kellie Jo’s post, I think there is something to the antisocial personality disorder aspect of abusive and violent men after accidentally coming across some information recently at:

http://www.lovefraud.com/01_whatsaSociopath/key_symptoms_sociopath.html

I was doing some research because I’ve been worried about my 5 year old son for quite some time. All of our children except for my 5 month old, (I was 3 mos. pregnant when I left him) have witnessed all of the abuse in the home. They are traumatized and exhibit their own developmental and behavioral problems as a result. But my 5 year old son seems the most adversely affected. He is aggressive, very emotional, has low self esteem, and is obsessed with death. He finds a way to incorporate death, dead, dying, kill, killing, in some form of his conversation all throughout the day.

I am concerned that he may grow up to be a batterer or worse. The children have been in therapy but it doesn’t seem to touch on this area for him and the thought occurred to me that maybe he has some sociopathic tendencies. His talk of death isn’t the only sign I see, so I thought maybe there is a way to tell or have your child evaluated if you believe they may be headed toward a life of sociopathy. In searching for help for my son is where I came across the LoveFraud.com website.

While reading the key symptoms of a sociopath, I recognized ALL of those behaviors in my husband. Basically everything the website talked about in regards to these kinds of people, were things I had seen or heard from my husband. It sent a chill up my spine. The other thing was that these traits are hereditary, which made me even more concerned for my son and how I can help him.

According to psychologists, socio/psycho paths can NEVER change. So I too had the thought that if someone is abusive because of antisocial personality disorders, then they cannot be helped. My husband is in court ordered domestic violence classes, but I don’t believe they will do a thing. Most sociopaths aren’t serial killers or even murderers; they are just very bad people who don’t have a conscience like everyone else. They are incapable of love, empathy or guilt.

So maybe it is the sociopath in them that causes many of the men who are violent to be that way in the first place. That would explain why they do it again and again and they are never truly remorseful. That would explain why most studies say that batterers don’t change. Maybe the few who are repentant and change their abusive ways, can do so because they were people who were affected by their environment, education or upbringing, on the issue of abuse towards others.

If an antisocial personality disorder is the reason behind a lot of the relational violence we see in the world, then maybe it could change how these men are dealt with by the police and court system. If they can’t change because they are evil and without conscience, then criminal laws can be added to deal specifically with domestic violence offenders, especially if they are repeaters. Laws for DV need to be harsher anyway, a man shouldn’t walk out of jail the same day after beating his wife.

If they are sociopaths, then they need to be locked up for a good long time just like other violent criminals for the good of society.

I share my experience of the nightmare that I lived with through my writing @ http://www.TeesSeasonsofLife.blogspot.com

Too little is being done to address the problem of violence against women, in particular domestic violence. Legislation may deter people from using violence but is not sufficient. we need to give more attention to empowering women so that they may free themselves from violent spouses. Much has to be done to give women decent employment and decent remuneration to enable them to be economically independent. Many women continue to live with violent and abusive spouses due to their meagre wages and their inability to obtain an alternative accommodation, Any strategy to address domestic violence should equally look at the inequalities in wages , in access to education and employment, in access to housing Domestic violence will not be reduced if we continue to deal with it as a women’s issue. it is a societal issue.

Intrafamiliar Violence has deep roots and profound individual, community and societal consequences .
It is neccesary to look and approach the problem from an ecological and systemic perspective trying to address the different dimensions of the problem.
A key issue is the sensibilization around the problem and that has to starts very early in the life of boys and girls.
A promising intervention is to start working as a primary prevention with young , adolescentes couples.
Using varied methodologies working on the different components enhancing the protectors factors and disminishing the risk ones. Helping girls and boys to detecting early signs of maltreatment ( verbal, emotional and behavioural), stimulating healthy ways to manage conflicts within the couple, promoting positive relationships, that have to be being socially and cultural relevant.
Evaluation and follow up of the program to understand the results and impact of the program
Nevertheless withouth a social change regarding the role and rights of women at a familiar, community and social level , any promising inmediate result of any program, regardless of their significance will be disminished and even banned through the time.
Evaluating primary and secondary educational programs, books, language and redirecting them with a gender perspective with due respect towards equality and social justice it is another important approach to ensure in any country.
Another important avenue is to research on good practices in different social, cultural, ethnic and religious contexts looking at the most significantive variables that made the program susscessful and disseminating the results stimulating its replicability in similar contexts.

I would like to include a comment on two issues:

1) There is also some % of violence against boys, and men perpetrated by women. Although it is quite small % from the overall domentic violence, we cann´t ignore it. Sometimes it is a women response to years of maltreatment and abuse. perpetrated on them.

2) Institutional Violence. Here I would like to raise the issue of Women in Prison. Although women represents a very small proportion of the general prison population worldwide, usually between 2 to 9 percent, recent statistics demosntrate that the amount of women in prison is increasing a faster rate that the male prisoners. Most of the increase in the women imprisonemnet can be explained by an increase of the severity of the sentences rather than the increase in the offenses ( Prison Reform Trust,2008). The profile of women in prison in most of the countries is quite similar: most have grown in a mutiple disadvantaged environments, they are young , poor, unemployed, undereducated, unskilled , victime of abuses during childhood and youth, most of their crimes are related to drug traffiking and or use of drugs, and most of them show psychological problems such as anxiety and depression mainly related to former sexual and physical abuses.
Inequalities that persist in the society are also present in the treatment of women offenders. Prison regimes worlwide are designed for the majority of male prison population and therefore do not provide for the needs of women. Prison conditions including overcrowding, violence, lack of privacy and no appropiate sanitary and health attention increase or cause mental health problems in women.
Although there is a legal framework that intends to protect women, the reality of global conditions of imprisonment are appalling with some differences between south and north.
The situation of women from ethinic minorities in prison is even worse, most of them can not communicate nor understand the process not being able to answer to a legal questioning.
Recomendations:
1.-A gender responsive policy and practices target at women´s pathways to criminality by providing effective, holistic and sustainable programs of educational/vocational/ life skills interventions that address also the intersecting problems of substance abuse, trauma, mental health and isolation from family and children.
2.- Increase the use of alternatives to imprisonment to women ( most of them are not a danger to society, most are in need of health provision) due to the negative consequences of confinement on women´s health, emotional and social status adding further stigmatization with loss of personal dignity and the risk of contamination in prison for other forms of crimes.

The issue of Women in prison worldwide has been invisible and when it is addressed many forms of prejudice and bad public opinion appears making very difficult to implement adequate justice and penal policies.

Following up on Rada Patel, Kenya has yet to institutionalize domestic violence awareness programs targeted at men and boys. The proposed Family Protection Bill gives a ray of hope. Given the partriachal nature of the society, one could argue that boys are socialised into the vice. For example boys are brought up to believe, albeit wrongly, that land and other tangible property belongs to them and is not shared with their sisters or wives. With time disputes over land ownership and control over property have been on the increase, with cases of disposssion breeding all types of violence. Not to mention the practice of polygamy and poverty.

Hi all
I appreciate all the comments above; we sure learn a lot from each other despite where we are geographically.
I will share a point or two from a study we just concluded here in Toronto. How does HIV impact families in access to social housing; and as HIV positive mothers how do they get around this. We found that most women live a man who maybe HIV positive or not. However in accessing services, the man was the one going around knocking on the doors. Sometimes the man was totally ignorant or somehow knowledgeable about the system.
While women would share their fears of living with HIV and how it has impacted their overall welbeing, the men didn’t share this at all. Hence the women in relationships were told if the man had provided a home for them (housing), why should they go and seek other kinds of support? That this would lead to the community learning of their HIV positve status. So the woman would eventually be isolated from friends, community and sometimes family, because to them their priority is to raise their children as a ‘family’, and not as a single mom.
With this, they underwent a lot of psychologigal and physical abuse, but stayed in the relationship for the sake of their children. Some women didn’t know anything about the system as they had been kept at bay by their male partners so much so that even when they wanted to move out, they had no idea where to begin! Such women who have been instilled with so much fear tend to give up living for themselves and accept anything else as better than being out there alone.
This is horryfying stuff, in a developed nation domestic violence is still live and rampant as any part of the undeveloped world! Even when this women know they can call 911 for help, the nightmare of being interrogated hence puting their HIV status out there stops the call for help!
Are our social structures well equiped to support women undergoing abuse in these circumstances? Where is the government’s committment to women and girls?

En México la violencia contra las mujeres en todas sus modalidades ha ido en aumento constante y más bajo el contexto del narcotráfico que se ha desatado enormemente en el país.
Muchas mujeres están siendo asesinadas por venganza contra sus parejas.
Por otro lado en las ciudades urbanas sufrimos mucho acoso sexual a tal grado que en la capital D.F. se tuvieron que poner camiones exclusivos para mujeres, el metro se separa pra mujeres y en otros transportes públicos se hacen estas divisiones. A pesar de ello, los hombres siguen agrediendonos y la Ley no nos protege del todo, ya que las autoridades no están sensibilizadas con el tema y dicen que es nuestra culpa de que nos agredan.
Poco a poco vamos trabajando en ello, pero si hay mucho que hacer y más bajo el contexto de la actual crisis que nos afecta más a als mujeres y somos blanco de mucha violencia.

May I recommend the following publication on the subject of women against women:
VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN IN THE FAMILY, United Nations, New York, 1989

As I remember, the report documented the increase of violence against women during difficult economic times.

Dear All,

I am intouched reading all stories from all over the world, mostly showing how in this modern world women must suffer though we have declared eliminations of all forms of discrimination against women (CEDAW, 1979), International declaration of Human rights (1993), Beijing platform for action (BPFA, 1995); gender and development (GAD) in Beijing+5 (2000); and Millinnneum Development Goal no3: promoting gender equality and women’s empowerment (2000). It’s already one – three decades past; but the condition has not improved as expected.

I am sad reading all of stories about women who sufferred from their spouses who supposed to give care and love. Over 10 years of my attention to this specific topic of violence against women has brought a light lately. The good news is gender-based violence (GBV) can be prevented and the cause has been found. It is heard before that abusive character sometimes is linked to other bad habits such as alcoholism, drug, gambling etc. However, those are actually predisposing factors to mindset crisis within spouse’s relationship.

It is noted later: victims admitted that most husbands demand obedience, took control in all decision making in family although the bread winner is the wife; do not like to argued or debated; and showing anger easily if related to pride, prestige and privileged. Most women took reaction in fear and silence when the first violence (physical or psychological happened). Some women who tried to question the husband’s action have received more violence and being beaten worse than before.

The husbands as perpetrators showed different angle from his points of view that as head of family it is their obligation to control the wives and children; especially when they got impression the wives put more attention to job than her children and family. The husbands are believed it is a very big mistake for wife creating relationship with other men; for married women they assumed already belong to the husband. They have admitted they still love the wife but it seems that the action could be avoided. Those stories above have shown patriarchy culture implementation. Men submissively assumed women and children as their property and has accepted their husband position as legitimated not only for the family but also for community and society.

In other discussion on women and economy; one story exposed how the husband who love the wife has admitted if he let the wife involved in public arena and other decision making this may put him into jeopardized; and his position in office may be in danger. Patriarchy culture was born since ancient history and taken in some religions by interpretation men are number one and women are the followers.
We see that macro economy, recources, trades and all of political matter that concern living aspects are held by men; women and children are become object and very rarely become subject. These way of living style have been spreading to family and individual life.

However, the world is growing and changed over the time. It is believed that what has been made by human can be changed also by human. Culture is created due to norms, ethics and regulations agreed and accepted by community. Study about violence against women has been continued to gender-based violence; due to victims of violence are not only women but also men and children (and elderly).
World has noted that women in pregnancy, people living with HIV/Aids, disable persons, intimate partners, drug users are experienced violence also. This phenomena is not only covered rural, lower educated, lower social status persons but also urbanm higher educated, higher social status over ethnics and countries across the world. This is become crucial public health problems, against human’s rights and consider lately as crime.

The important study on GBV has involved 622 respondents’ men and women; including boys/ girls above 8 years old from two provinces: urban and rural at North Sumatra and Central Kalimantan. Additional in-dept interview performed for victims and ‘indirect analysis’ of perpetrators (all were husbands) and 100 samples of mass media data on domestic violence cases of 10 provinces in Indonesia.
The study concluded: the cause of domestic violence between spouses is patriarchy culture with intervening factor communication that may increase or decline the cases. High patriarchy culture implementation with low communication between spouse can increase the prevalence more; while low patriarchy culture implementation with high communication between spouse may reduce the violence into half; which meant not automatically eliminated but diminished and possibly zero.
The implication of this study is large: since we know now the perpetrators are not only men but also women. India has association of men grievance who became victims of domestic violence since 2007.
I share this with hope to eliminate GBV. Bangladesh, Indonesia and Nepal have noted similar cases of violence against men.

The explanation of the above findings is suitable for both topics: violence against women or men. Patriarchy culture has been submissively strangled people mindset: not only in Asia and Africa, also in Europe and America. Men are assumed to be the bread winner; so that women who received more income than husbands are felt they are being exploited by the husbands. They demanded to be recipients not the givers. Imbalance power within family without high communication that family is one unity with gender equality may lead to poison the spouse mindset.
The above study has proved that Kalimantan although has higher patriarchy implementation have lower percentages domestic violence cases due to higher communication in family life; while Sumatra although has lower patriarchy implementation than Kalimantan; higher percentages domestic violence cases has been found due to having much lower communication implementation in the family compared to Kalimantan.

Qualitative study involving victims has shown that the first two years of marriage plays important conceptual relationship between spouses. Argumentation, dissatisfaction, problems and tension relationship with family of origin (parents or in-laws) have led the further violence/ abuse in spouse relationship. Economic is found critical also as predisposing factor; no coping mechanism between spouses to start the new family has given serious impact to the family career growing that led also to abusive situation.
The worst factor is patriarchy culture mindset which needs to be handled seriously for new couple who will take decision living together as husband and wife. Thus, gender equality perspective is truly needed; men and women hand in hand together as partner not to override each other power – but together approaching family advancement for future investment!

Believe it or not; it is predicted this violence situation will grow larger and worse in the modern era. The more involvement of women into public arena apparently accepted as threat to patriarchy men. Thus, to prevent those happened and to avoid more victims – preventive action is needed.
The secondary prevention performed in many cases by health sector responds, social, police and women association are not enough anymore. This GBV may ‘run’ and spreading faster than we ever imagined.
The primary prevention is now needed in all school, community gathering, religion worship, counseling pre-marriage for adolescent; IEC (information Education Communication) material is needed soon. This is also involved all public services from all sectors to set up forces on elimination of GBV for a better peaceful life in family, society, community; including working environment and nation life!

We can not deny the submissive and embedded patriarchy culture mindset has been brought into palocentric organization, beaurocratic style combined with gender sratification and hierarchycal level in organization that made less women in top level position. In some cases, most men are reluctant to be led by women executives due to patriarcy culture belief. Many cases of harrassment men to women, horizontally and vertically; were kept in silence. Regardless to the un-prepared women executives that should show typical women leadership (because women characteristics are different than men); but tend to imitate the men leadership style; this condition needs to be tackeled carefully with systematic strategic and plan using partnership approach of win-win solution, fairness, transparant and gender equality principle. Violence will be great threats on gender relationship in coming years due to more pluralism and modernization of the world.

The GBV study has been concluded only in 2008; and not enough time to work alone – however together we may reach something to help many women (and men) free from violence.
Not to undermine but great appreciation to what has been done by many groups in the world related to working with men and working with boys; however the GBV movement is not meant for separate gender – this primary prevention needs to be performed together not only from men side but from both sides – men and women. The victims are found not only in women but men as well.

I suggest to put gender equality principle in all actions as part of the efforts to support the UN declaration announced lately by Secretary General on 16 Days of activism against gender violence (25 November – 10 December 2009). The character of men/ boys is related to patriarchy culture; thus it is requested to reconsider the root of the problems by discussing openly with grils/ women in one group and push forward the high communication of expected gender equality relationship. Freedom is the motto – but respect to other’s rights and gender equality are mostly appreciated including within marriage institution.

Just a note: Cases of HIV/Aids when wives are being contaminated and then transmitted to children is a tragedy to this modern world. Stigma to people living HIV/Aids performed by community and health personnel is ashamed; due to human’s rights. Transgender cases when received rejection more from parents and family not to mentioned from community has pushed the persons to HIV/Aids, sex workers, drugs injection and other crimes; those are also violation to human’s rights. Women received worse impact; thus gender equality must be held as the first torch to bring enlighten to the future world.

Let’s work together all leaders in the world on promoting gender equality and human’s rights: men and women create more peaceful world by first set family free from violence!

Written by:
Erna Surjadi, DR, Drg, PhD
Regional Adviser gender, women and health (GWH)
WHO for the South East Asia Regional office
New Delhi, India

Good comments on gender roles and violence. For Erna Surjadi, could you please give a reference to the North Sumatra and Central Kalimantan study from 2008? If you have a link or source please tell us. Thank you.

i love you all.
domestic violence is never justified,it is most times neglected because well it has been going on for a long time and it is generally accepted in africa that if a man initiates it then there’s nothing wrong with it but violence should not have a place in our society because it undermines who we are and it hurts emotionally as we go on thinking we can never be good enough or that we deserve it.i think we are going to have to get back to our family set up and teach our little ones that we can get far without fighting and that dialogue is most valuable and effective if utilised well.we should also equip our children with knowledge about who they are and how valuable each one of us is.boys ought to be taught to use their energy in ways that do not undermine humane behaviour and that it is cool not to be violent.

To Radha Patel,

The first part of the qualitative study was documented in 2004 by Asian Development Bank, Family Health and Nutrition Project and published in local language (Bahasa) with abstract in English. It was then continued with qualitative study during 2005 and 2006; confirmed and accepted by the University of Indonesia under topic: Husband’s violence against wife in household (Kekerasan suami terhadap istri di dalam rumah tangga) and published in 2008; again in Bahasa with abstract in English. The effort of translating the overall study into English was done lately

ABSTRACTS

Name : Erna Surjadi
Study Program : Sosiology
Title : Husband violence against wife in family (KESTI)

Abstracts

Family faces various experiences that changed from time to time, for example: getting a job, having a child, getting promoted etc. All of those need choices and tolerance. Every challenge of change from one condition to another, become stressors to family life. It needs coping mechanism in family for communication and transformation towards the new condition which is acceptable by both sides of husband and wife.

The traditional family mindset in following patriarchy culture (P) is to put men as number one. This made husband feels that the wife and children as his property; while in fact wife has been involved in public arena where human rights, democracy and new ideology present. The perception differences between husband and wife have added the stressors; which if not handled with good communication (K) between husband and wife, would continue to family crisis and bring husband violence against wife (KESTI).

The secondary data analysis on research at Central Kalimantan (Kalteng) and North Sumatera (Sumut) has proved that violence against women at Kalteng was 15,16 %; less than Sumut (20,26 %,) although the (P) of respondents at Kalteng was 82.6 %, higher than Sumut (59.8 %); this was because the Kalteng respondents had higher (K) 89 %, while at Sumut 58.2 %. KESTI was increased on lower (P) and lower (K); in contrary KESTI was decreased on higher (P) and higher (K). The relationship of KESTI and lower K was shown on the next analysis. KESTI could be maximum (1.83 times) with the higher (P) and lower (K); and it would be minimize 0,56 KESTI for lower (P) and lower (K).

The qualitative study of victim’s voice of KESTI has shown that the patriarchy culture was tightly implemented in gender relationship of KESTI husband wife. The perception differences in the husband wife relationship is not being balanced with the sufficient level of communication has increased stressors in family life and bring up family crisis and lead to KESTI. The mindset of husband and wife is not seen, so it is not recognized by themselves; this put them into latent family crisis. Husband is trying to maintain his legitimated position and afterwards manifestated it into KESTI action. The voices of KESTI mentioned that economic condition, bad relationship since early marriage period and cultural differences between husband wife would give effect to the husband and wife communication.
Families nowadays need to develop understanding of equality and equity relationship between husband and wife within egalitarian culture. Need coping mechanism in facing the cultural changes (economic, social status, even political) based on each family background; it is suggested to provide counseling program on gender equity for future married couple before peoposed ceremony; early education for adolescence / school children. Need communication and transformation together to achieve gender equality and equity. It is hoped that KESTI could be prevented and Domestic violence could be elimianted from Indonesia.

Keywords:
Domestic Violence, plural family, communication, transformation, patriarchy culture

by me as Principal investigator of those studies.
I put the abstracts for your information;

reposting due to processing error.

To Radha Patel,

The first part of the qualitative study was documented in 2004 by Asian Development Bank, Family Health and Nutrition Project and published in local language (Bahasa) with abstract in English. It was then continued with qualitative study during 2005 and 2006; confirmed and accepted by the University of Indonesia under topic: Husband’s violence against wife in family (Kekerasan suami terhadap istri di dalam rumah tangga= KESTI) and published in 2008; again in Bahasa with abstract in English. The effort of translating the overall study into English was done lately by me as Principal investigator of those studies.

I put the abstracts for your information;

ABSTRACTS

Name : Erna Surjadi
Study Program : Sosiology
Title : Husband violence against wife in family (KESTI)

Family faces various experiences that changed from time to time, for example: getting a job, having a child, getting promoted etc. All of those need choices and tolerance. Every challenge of change from one condition to another, become stressors to family life. It needs coping mechanism in family for communication and transformation towards the new condition which is acceptable by both sides of husband and wife.

The traditional family mindset in following patriarchy culture (P) is to put men as number one. This made husband feels that the wife and children as his property; while in fact wife has been involved in public arena where human rights, democracy and new ideology present. The perception differences between husband and wife have added the stressors; which if not handled with good communication (K) between husband and wife, would continue to family crisis and bring husband violence against wife (KESTI).

The secondary data analysis on research at Central Kalimantan (Kalteng) and North Sumatera (Sumut) has proved that violence against women at Kalteng was 15,16 %; less than Sumut (20,26 %,) although the (P) of respondents at Kalteng was 82.6 %, higher than Sumut (59.8 %); this was because the Kalteng respondents had higher (K) 89 %, while at Sumut 58.2 %. KESTI was increased on lower (P) and lower (K); in contrary KESTI was decreased on higher (P) and higher (K). The relationship of KESTI and lower K was shown on the next analysis. KESTI could be maximum (1.83 times) with the higher (P) and lower (K); and it would be minimize 0,56 KESTI for lower (P) and lower (K).

The qualitative study of victim’s voice of KESTI has shown that the patriarchy culture was tightly implemented in gender relationship of KESTI husband wife. The perception differences in the husband wife relationship is not being balanced with the sufficient level of communication has increased stressors in family life and bring up family crisis and lead to KESTI. The mindset of husband and wife is not seen, so it is not recognized by themselves; this put them into latent family crisis. Husband is trying to maintain his legitimated position and afterwards manifested it into KESTI action. The voices of KESTI mentioned that economic condition, bad relationship since early marriage period and cultural differences between husband wife would give effect to the husband and wife communication.
Families nowadays need to develop understanding of equality and equity relationship between husband and wife within egalitarian culture. Need coping mechanism in facing the cultural changes (economic, social status, even political) based on each family background; it is suggested to provide counseling program on gender equity for future married couple before peoposed ceremony; early education for adolescent / school children. Need communication and transformation together to achieve gender equality and equity. It is hoped that KESTI could be prevented and Domestic violence could be eliminated from Indonesia.

Keywords:
Domestic Violence, plural family, communication, transformation, patriarchy culture

The book is under process of printing for publication
I will keep you posted as necessary

Best regards,
Erna Surjadi
Dr.,Drg.,MS.APBI, PhD
—————————————-
Regional Adviser – Gender, Women and Health

World Health Organization
South-East Asia Regional Office (SEARO)
World Health House, Indraprastha Estate
Mahatma Gandhi Marg
New Delhi-110002
E-mail: surjadiE@searo.who.int; ernasfg@gmail.com

many years ago, there ware many violences in certain families. Mostly, man took actions first.

Dear Erna Surjadi

I Want your permission to publish your comments in our Monthly WOMENSHADE for the issue of December,

Wahid khan
Editor in Cheif/President of WomenShade Pakistan

[...] is a response to the blog-post “A call to action: your views on violence against women?” SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Can there be total equality between married people?", url: [...]

This is a healthy discussion indeed. My take: I note domestic violence goes both ways – women beating up and verbally abusing men. However I think the need to ‘belong’, or so to speak, puts women at higher risk of domestic violence. For instance, some women feel a broken relationship/marriage is failure to be a complete woman. At times it is purely a societal ‘obligation’ as well as a self-imposed ‘call’ to show the rest of the world that they can sustain a home. When I was about ten, we had a neighbour whose husband was one hell of a WWF champion on her [you would need to be deaf not to hear it] and she would tell everyone the next morning that she had had an accident. I also noted at the time that she was very defensive when asked about the noise; seeking (and accepting) help wasn’t something she was just about to do.

I also knew a girl whose boyfriend did the same and when her people tried to help, she called them ‘jealous’. Helping victims of domestic violence can be extremely hard as they are not always approachable. The ones in grave danger can be the most defensive of their partners/spouses. I hate to say it but this behaviour is mostly common in people from strong cultural backgrounds. This is not to say domestic violence is non-existent in the Western world – It is. I note too, that in more developed countries (such as Australia, UK, USA and Canada) more help is available than it is for developing countries. In some remote parts of Africa, women give up on finding help on the basis that ‘I am just another victim on the list’. Even worse, ‘I will endure this just so my children can have a normal family’.

Arguing, such as whose turn it is to take out the rubbish or feed the baby, is healthy in any relationship. However when it is about wrestling or abusive language then someone clearly needs to get packing. There is nothing normal about that. Punching bags are found in gyms, not in the human anatomy. I would ask bodies like the one Erna Surjadi works for to empower women and tell them it is ok to be alone. Let the world judge you as a failed woman, but you will be alive and healthy. In this day and age anyone with such a mindset probably needs separate help for that thought alone.

Mis Surjadi, your paper above is quite a read. Thanks for sharing.

Regards,
Irene.

This is a healthy discussion indeed. My take: I note domestic violence goes both ways – women beating up and abusing men, and vice versa. However I think the need to belong, or so to speak, puts women at higher risk of domestic violence. For instance, some women feel a broken relationship/marriage is failure to be a complete woman. At times it is purely a societal ‘obligation’ as well as a self-imposed ‘call’ to show the rest of the world that they can sustain a home. When I was about ten, we had a neighbour whose husband was one hell of a WWF champion on her [you would need to be deaf not to hear it] and she would tell everyone the next morning that she had had an accident. I also noted at the time that she was very defensive when asked about the noise; seeking (and accepting) help wasn’t something she was just about to do.

I also knew a girl whose boyfriend did the same and when people tried to help, she called them ‘jealous’. Helping victims of domestic violence can be extremely hard as they are not always approachable. The ones in grave danger can be the most defensive of their partners/spouses. I hate to say it but this notion is mostly common among people from strong cultural backgrounds. I am by no means saying domestic violence is non-existent in the Western world – It exists. Perhaps, its overwhelming prevalance in developing nations has something to do with the fact that in more developed countries (such as UK, USA, Australia and Canada) more help is available than it is [available] in developing countries. In some remote parts of Africa, women give up on finding help on the basis that ‘I am just another victim on the list’. Even worse, ‘I will endure this just so my children can have a normal family’ and to avoid being the village laughing stalk.

Arguing about whose turn it is to take out the rubbish or feed the baby is healthy in any relationship. Of course, this has its own set of limits too. However when it is all about wrestling or abusive language then clearly, someone needs to get packing. There is nothing normal about that. Punching bags are found in gyms, not in the human anatomy. I would ask bodies like the one Erna Surjadi works for to empower women and tell them it is ok to be alone. Let the world judge you as a failed woman, but you will be alive and healthy. In this day and age anyone with such a mindset probably needs separate help for that thought alone. Besides, you can always meet someone else who treats you right.

I also think people don’t just ’snap’ out of nowhere with violence. They say where there is smoke there is fire: That slap,kick or punch could be an escalation of continuous verbal and emotional abuse.

Ms Surjadi, your paper above is quite a read. Thanks for sharing.

Regards,
Irene.

i really appreciate what you are doing for those victims.just to say continue like that because in Africa many of our mothers are victims of violence.bye

[...] is a response to the blog-post, “A call to action: Your views on men and domestic abuse.” http://www.conversationsforabetterworld.com/2009/11/domestic-violence/A SHARETHIS.addEntry({ [...]